Joke Archive 1999

FUN - 1998 College Freshman

To get an idea of the lives of those entering college this fall (1998), read on ............ try not to laugh !!

1.   The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
were born in 1980.

2.   They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.

3.   They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4.   Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great
Depression.

5.   There has only been one Pope.  They can only really remember one
president.

6.   They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not
remember the Cold War.

7.   They have never feared a nuclear  war.  "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

8.   They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tienamin
Square means nothing to them.

9.   Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

10.  They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.

11.  Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.

12.  Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

13.  The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to
them.

14.  They have never owned a record player.

15.  They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of
Pong

16.  Star Wars looks very fake to them and the special effects are
pathetic.

17.  There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new.  What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

18.  They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.

19.  The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

20.  As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21.  They have always had an answering machine.

22.  Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.

23.  They have always had cable.

24.  There have always been VCR's, but  they have no idea what Beta is.

25.  They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

26.  They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27.  Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28.  The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29.  They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30.  Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

31.  They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Football player.

32.  They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33.  The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Korean war.

34.  They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35.  They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36.  They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

37.  They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile
for a Camel", or "de plane, de plane!".

38.  They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

39.  The Titanic was found?  I thought we always knew where it was.

40.  Michael Jackson has always been white.

41.  Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

42.  McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
FUN - 31 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At WalMart!

1.  Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2.  Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3.  Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4.  Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?".

5.  Try on bras over top of your clothes.

6.  Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7.  While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible"I smell sex and candy"

8.  Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9.  Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all on and turn the volumes to "10."

10.  Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 

11.  Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12.  Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13.  Put M&M's on layaway.

14.  Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15.  Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16.  Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17.  Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18.  When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19.  Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20.  Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI.  Joes vs.  the X-Men.

21.  Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22.  While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23.  Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24.  Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

25.  Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26.  In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27.  Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me !!  pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28.  When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"

29.  Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30.  Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31.  Go into the dressing room and yell real loud...Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!
FUN - 35 things you can learn from children

1. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

2. A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

4. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

6. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

8. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

9. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

10. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

11. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

12. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

13. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

14. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.

16. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

17. Duplos will not.

18. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

19. Super glue is forever.

20. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

21. Ditto Tarzan.

22. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

23. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

24. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

25. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

26. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

27. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

28. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

29. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

30. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

31. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

32. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

33. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

34. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
FUN - 38 Ways to Kill Barney

1.Make him watch his own show.

2.* Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely resembles Picasso's "Guernica".

3.Donate his body to science...early.

4.Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the park.... mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's knee-caps as conversation pieces.

5.Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch his body explode.

6.Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!

7.Sew his lips to his rectum.

8.* Make him a referee in an NHL game.

9.Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in his mouth and then beat him with a jagged piece of metal until he screams.

10.Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...

11.Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey.

12.Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping out.

13.Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.

14.Plutonium enema.

15.Send him to Miami in a rented car.

16.Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.

17.Let him take a New York Subway at night.

18.Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)

19.Tie him up like a piata and have small Mexican children beat him to death.
   Note: You can actually get piatas that look like Barney at Toys R Us

20.Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country music, until even *HE* goes insane with all the sap!

21.* Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to the Teamsters.

22.* 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.

23.Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy metal. (reversible)

24.* Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)

25.Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess Twinkies.

26.* Nitroglycerine suppository

27.Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".

28.Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun. 'after burners?') 

29.Acupuncture with a nail gun

30.OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.

31.* Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.

32.Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)

33.* Put him in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.

34.* Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.

35.* Send him to Cuba with a T-shirt saying "Fidel Sucks"

36.Make him figure out his own taxes.

37.* Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into the side of a GMC truck.

38.Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:". 

===================

Source:
http://www3.nbnet.nb.ca/jterhune/short.html

Disclaimer:
Note: This page is intended as humour only. Violence in real life against Barney the Dinosaur (or any other fictional character) is NOT condoned by the author, the contributors, or any associates of the author. Some people might find this page objectionable. You have been warned.
FUN - 5 Kinds of Mormons 1

With 30 years in the LDS Church (10 states and four countries), I think I'm something of an expert on Mormons. Enough of an expert, in fact, to know I'm going to catch hell for this.

Here it is: In the entire world, there are only five kinds of Mormons, basically.

The first kind of Mormon is the Liberal Mormon. This includes all Mormons who attend church only when they feel like it. Liberal Mormons vote anywhere to the left of the Republican Party, are not rabidly pro-life and don't think every word that falls from the lips of a general authority represents the actual personal opinion of Jesus Christ.

Liberal Mormons are going to hell. Just ask any of the other four kinds of Mormons. On the other hand, Liberal Mormons think the intolerance and naive stupidity of other Mormons is more of a threat to mankind than Russian missiles, wheat weevils or R-rated movies.

After Liberal Mormons come Genuine Mormons. Nearly every Mormon thinks this is the kind of Mormon he represents. In reality, Genuine Mormons are about as rare as, oh, say, angels or golden plates.

Genuine Mormons are unimpressed with themselves and their opinions. They are affable, easy-going and keenly interested in the well-being of others. They live various lifestyles and, when compared to the more outlandish lifestyles of other Mormons, tend to be dang near invisible. A friend of mine says this is because they've all been translated. He's wrong.

My studies have proven there are only 11 Genuine Mormons on the face of the earth. Two of them live in Utah, three in the remainder of the United States, two in South America, one each in Japan, Canada, Samoa and Spain. There are no Genuine Mormons in California or Idaho. One doubles as a Liberal Mormon. Of the remaining 10, four are the Three Nephites and John the Beloved.

The third kind of Mormon is the Conservative Mormon. These kinds of Mormons are the suit and flowered dress crowd you see at church. They tend to be a little overweight and Republican. They attend church 95 percent of the time but may, if pressed hard enough, sleep through General Conference. They pay tithing on their net income and have 4.5 children. The homes of C.M.s are decorated with Relief Society-produeced knickknacks. Conservative Mormons humor the Liberal Mormons because, after all, they are God's children, too. Seventy-five percent of the LDS Church is C.M., and 99 percent of all Conservative Mormons were born into the church.

Fourth are Orthodox Mormons. Orthodox Mormons would not miss church for the death of a relative. Left to their own devices, O.M.s would eventually make the bringing of dry cereal in Tupperware bowls to sacrament meeting a gospel ordinance. Orthodox Mormons have 7.8 children - - not because they enjoy them but because somewhere it says they should, and because even abstinence is an intolerable form of birth control.

Orthodox Mormons are scared of Russians, MTV and accidentally partaking of the sacrament with their left hands. They believe Liberal Mormons are children of the devil. Orthodox Mormons pay tithing based on their gross income and believe Diet Coke is part of the Word of Wisdom.

Finally, there are the Nazi Mormons. Ten percent of the LDS Church is Nazi Mormon. Of that 10 percent, 90 percent live in Utah, most within shouting distance of BYU. Nazi Mormons are prone to wild claims in testimony meeting about things that cannot be proven. Nazi Mormons claim Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin, and heaven is a multi-level marketing system. Nazi Mormons always want to have private talks with you about either gold futures, alienlanding strips or soap.

Nazi Mormons believe French kissing is cause for  excommunication. They routinely take the advice of general authorities and improve on it: If no single dating until 16 is good, no single dating until draft age is even better. Nazi Mormons pay tithing on their gross income, including the stuff they get from the bishop's storehouse.

There you go. Remember, it is possible to fluctuate FUN - 5 Kinds of Mormons 2

between levels. In truth, one could find himself swayed from the C.M. level by a particularly powerful fireside speaker. This only applies to one level jumps. A Liberal Mormon, for example, could never drop four levels to Nazi Mormon.
FUN - A Computer's Gender

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company.  While researching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'.  What gender would you assign to your computer?  Give four reasons to support your answer..."

A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Submitted by: fabian Marquez @ newline.com
FUN - A Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.-A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.-What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.-You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he made the dinner.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.-Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.-You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus.. breathe..  push..

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.-An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.-A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.-The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.-To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n.-What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.-Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.  See Magician.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.-Similar to a black hole in space:  if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.-On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.  On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.-Before children, a verb meaning to go somewhere and neck.  After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.-The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children.  See also tranquilizers.

Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.-A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.-Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
FUN - A Loan (Rolls Royce)

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
FUN - A Twisted Family Tree

Redneck Family Tree

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
FUN - Actual Church Bulletins

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

* Don't let worry kill you-let the church help.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.  She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

* Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk will please come early.

* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

* The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

* Thursday night-Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

=================
The Original Email Joke of the Day! http://www.joker.org
FUN - Actual Labels on Goods

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

*On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions:  Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Submitted by: Christopher J. Caramela  @ all-phase.com
FUN - Airline Funnies

Pilot:  November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land?
Tower:  Oh, who's talking?
Pilot:  Me

Radar:  Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees
Pilot:  Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?
Radar:  Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?

Radar:  CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL?
Pilot:  More or less
Radar:  So proceed a little bit more to SUL

Tower:  N2234, are you a Cessna?
Pilot:  No, I'm a male Hispanic

Pilot:  ... request heading 110 to avoid"
Radar:  To avoid what?
Pilot:  To avoid delay

Pilot:  Radar, this is Cessna 4675
Radar:  Cessna 4675, go ahead
Pilot:  Radar, I don't seem to be making much progress here.  How is my ground speed?
Radar:  Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very well.

Captain: (after landing a bit rough) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.
FUN - Airline Stories 1

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they
leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."  "Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

FUN - Airline Stories 2

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Submitted by: paulick @ powerweb.net
(compliments of the Lady Red)
FUN - Anagrams

An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The following are exceptionally clever.  Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory ==>  Dirty Room

Evangelist ==> Evil's Agent

Desperation ==> A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code ==> Here Come Dots

Slot Machines ==> Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity ==> Is No Amity

Mother-in-law ==> Woman Hitler  :)

Snooze Alarms ==> Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness ==> Genuine Class

Semolina ==> Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries ==> Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point ==> I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes ==> That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two ==> Twelve plus one

Contradiction ==> Accord not in it

This one's truly amazing:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."  - Neil Armstrong

The Anagram:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!  On to Mars!"
FUN - Are You Ready to Have a Baby?

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.  Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.  Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10% of the beans.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Submitted by: Daniel Cortes @ juno.com
FUN - Before and after you fall in love

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethyl

Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football

Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start

Before - Is that all your having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before - Its like I'm living In a dream
After - Its like he lives In a dorm

Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbo charged
After - Jump start

Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom

Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl

Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat

Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant

Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Passion
After - Ration

Before - Once upon a time
After - The end
FUN - Best Headlines 1997

The best newspaper headlines of 1997 are:

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature

20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide

21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Weldon Whipple (weldon@whipple.org)
FUN - Bungee Jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the second. 

You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.  
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
    
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up a square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.

The first guy jumps.  He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isnt able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back again.  This time, he is bruised and bleeding. 

Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. 

This time, he comes back pretty messed up - hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.  Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,  What happened?  Was the cord too long?.  

The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a piata?.

FUN - Children's Perceptions of Bible Stories

The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony
FUN - Children's Wisdom 1

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10).  Responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Eighty-four.  Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other. (Judy, 8)

Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. (Tommy,5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough money to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people.  It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.  But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.  (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. (Lynette, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it.  It takes too long to learn. (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. (Jeanne, 8)

It isn't always just how you look.  Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.  (Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them. (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons are on TV. (Anita, 6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.  I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)

I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
One of you should know how to write a check.  Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of chocolate candy stores. (Del, 6)

Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. (John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. (Brad, 8)

It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.  They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, I LOVE YOU:
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day. (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
You learn it right on the spot, FUN - Children's Wisdom 2

when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. (Doug, 7)
 
It might help if you watched soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
It's never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7)

Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love. (Roger, 8)

Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.(Randy, 8)


From: Ben U Abbott <giantlobster@juno.com>

FUN - Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA ~ Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY~ We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA ~ I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC ~ Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA ~ Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn ... or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY ~ Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PARANOIA ~ Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER ~ You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION ~ Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE ~ Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell ...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ~ On the First Day of Christmas My Mother Gave to Me (and then took it all away)

*******************************************

FUN - Politically Correct 12 days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my non-co-dependant, differently-abled, non-gender specific significant other gave to me,

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),

TEN melanin-deprived, testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE deconstructionist poets,

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
FUN - Cow Emissions

http://totallyabsurd.com

Is the problem of trying to collect and measure gas emissions from livestock (or maybe your in-laws) keeping you awake at nights? Have you ever wondered exactly how much energy cow burps emit? Now your curiosity can be satisfied with the 1993 patent of the 'System for Measuring Metabolic Gas Emissions From Animals"!
Designed to measure how much energy free-roaming livestock actually use, this device will help identify the feeding systems which allow the most efficient use of energy for the health of the cow.

But wait! The device is fun and easy to use! First feed the subject the tube which acts as an internal tracer. Attach the end of the tracer tube to the inflatable collar placed around the animals neck. With every breath, metabolic gas samples are collected and analyzed. Hey, who said bovine belches aren't fun?
FUN - Darwin Award Nominees 1998 - 1

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully). The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1 [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

NOMINEE No.3: [Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson.38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4: [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.  Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5:  [The News of the Weird.]
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously.  He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.6: ["The Indianapolis Star"].
A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.7: [AP, St. Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.8: [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.9: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,"   Payne said.  "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "'I'll show you how to set it off."

NOMINEE No.10: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
A man cleaning a birdfeeder on the balcony FUN - Darwin Award Nominees 1998 - 2

of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

NOMINEE No.11: [UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.  Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, OR. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.  Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Robert had tried to pull the arrow out he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."

NOMINEE No.12 The Calgary Sun Saturday, December 28, 1996 VANCOUVER (CP)
A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought 
in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No.13!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical 
Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog hunting/gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned.  The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree.  

Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.  "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot himself or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened", said Snyder.  Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
FUN - Darwin Awards 1997-1

The Darwin Award is made each year to the person who has managed to kill himself (and therefore prevent the survival of their genes - hence, Darwin!) in the most bizarre way imaginable. Previous winners have included the man killed when the vending machine he was trying to extract a can of Coke from fell on him.
 
The Nominations

#1- [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA]
A San Anselmo man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad,authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called  Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.  It has since been discovered that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

 #2 - [AP, St. Louis, MO]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

#3 - [UPI, Spain]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

#4 - [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.  Jerry Stromyer, 24,  of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday  night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.  "Another man had
it in an aquarium, hooked  to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't  go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off."  "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips,"
Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division.  "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.

#5 - [UPI, Portland, OR]
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will  be released soon  from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye  last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off  his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye.  Doctors said had through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of  his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself.  Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.  Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this."  No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
FUN - Darwin Awards 1997-2

#6 - [AP, Arkansas]
A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store.  She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.  When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." 

Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store
officials called the paramedics.  They had to break into the car because the  door was locked.  When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car making a loud  explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached  back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!

#7 - From a radio program, a true report of a happening in Michigan, USA. A guy buys brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the  lakes are frozen.

These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and, of course, the new vehicle.  They drive out onto  the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural  landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.  In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land  on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.  Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee  comes a stick
of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.

Now these two  Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand 
Cherokee) are standing, they take the risk of slipping on the ice  
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.  So, they decide to light this 40-second fuse and throw  the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog?  Yes, the dog: A highly trained  Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog 
takes off at a high rate of doggy speed  on the  ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits  the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave arms and wonder 
what to do now.

The dog,  cheered on, keeps coming.  One of the  guys grabs the shotgun and shoots  the dog.  The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot,  hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.   The dog stops for a  moment, slightly confused but continues on.  Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really
confused & of course scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.
He takes off to find cover, (with the  now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite).... under the brand new Cherokee.

BOOM !  Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits  and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their  faces.

The insurance  company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.  He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.
FUN - Darwin Awards 1997-3

AND THE WINNER IS ...........

John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.

The  two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal--to hop over, and then assist his  friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop  on  the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife  and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.  When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now, being without 
his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly  branch penetrating  is rectal cavity.

To  make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety.  However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best  course  of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse.

In his drunken state, Sal put the truck  into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on, and killing, his friend. Sal was thrown  from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene.

Police  arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half-naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair  of shorts dangling
from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
FUN - Darwin Awards 1998-1

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin AwardIts an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

1.	In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2.	In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who totally zoned when he ran, according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3.	Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind,and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of wood bridge, VA, but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4.	In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5.	According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.

6.	Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7.	In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8.	In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

1.	In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez the head,fracturing his skull.

2.	In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

3.	Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

4.	Taking Amateur Night Too Far: In Betulia, Columbia, an annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, Its just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons.

SOME MORE ALSO RANS

1.	Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesicks first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. FUN - Darwin Awards 1998-2

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.  Im still not sure why I did it, she said later. I was really close to the car, so I didnt think anyone would see. Besides, it couldnt have been for more than two seconds. However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcorans teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcorans gums with a cleaning pick.  In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesicks hand.
Moellers wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2.	TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting  foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach  with no ill effects.

3.	La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. My dog drags the thing all over the house, he said later. He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.  The extraction took more than three hours due to  the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendozas phone had opened during insertion. He was a real trooper during the entire episode, said Dr. Dennis Crobe.Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.

4.	TACOMA, WA -  Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of linemans cable lay nearby. One end of  the cable was secured around Binghams leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water  and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. All I can say, said Bingham, is that God was watching out for me on that night. Theres just no other explanation for it. Binghams foot was never located.
FUN - Darwin Awards 1998-3

5.	BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christophers penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christophers penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler Chris is just plain lucky, said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed,the damage caused by the dogs teeth to the penis per se is minimal. Its really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this. Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. The sheer force of the elephants unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him, said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that occurs.
FUN - Deep Hole...

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep  hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...  Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did!  Craziest thing I ever seen!  It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
FUN - Deep Thoughts III

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.  That way, when you criticize him, you are a  mile away from him and you have his shoes.

2.  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station....

3.  I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

4.  If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

5.  Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

6.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

7.  I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

8.  I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

9.  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me -they were cramming for their finals.

10. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency.  I think you should write "A very good doctor."
FUN - Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom - Use them as Needed...

1.  I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

2.  I love deadlines.  I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3.  Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

4.  Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

5.  Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

6.  Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.

7.  Needing someone is like needing a parachute.  If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

8.  I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.

9.  Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"

10.  My reality check bounced.

11.  On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

12.  I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

13.  You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

14.  Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And,

15.  Never argue with an idiot.  They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
FUN - Disorder in the Court

These quotes are from a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They are things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and milepost 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I still play in a band on weekends.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights  flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the  autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
FUN - Dumb Laws in the State of Utah

===============
Utah State Laws
===============

- It is against the law to fish from horseback.
- When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin.
- It is illegal not to drink milk.
- It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
- Birds have the right of way on all highways.
- A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
- You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
- It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
- It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
- No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

===============
City Laws
===============

Kaysville
- You must have identification to enter a convenience store after dark.

Logan
- Women may not swear.

Monroe
- Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor.

Provo
- Throwing snowballs will result in a $50 fine.

Salt Lake City
- No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.

Tremonton
- It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.

Trout Creek
- Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.
FUN - Earth Stood Still - Proof

Did you know that the space program is busy proving that what has been called "myth" in the Bible is true? Mr. Harold Hill, President of the Curtis Engine Company in Baltimore Maryland, and a consultant in the space program, relates the following development:

I think one of the most amazing things that God has for us today happened recently to our astronauts and space scientists at Greenbelt, Maryland. They were checking the position of the sun, moon, and planets out in space where they would be, 100 years and 1000 years from now. We have to know this so we won't send a satellite up and have it bump into something later on in its orbits. We have to lay out the orbits in terms of the life of the satellite, and where the planets will be, so the whole thing will not bog down.

They ran the computer measurement back and forth over the centuries and it came to a halt. The computer stopped and put up a red signal, which meant that there was something wrong either with the information fed into it, or with the results as compared to the standards. They called in the service department to check it out and they said, "What's wrong?"  Well they found there is a day missing in space, in elapsed time. They scratched their heads and tore their hair. There was no answer. 

Finally, a Christian man on the team said, "You know, one time I was in Sunday School and they talked about the sun  standing still."  While they didn't believe him, they didn't have an  answer either, so they said, "Show us." He got a Bible and went back to the book of Joshua where they found a pretty ridiculous statement for any one with "common sense". There they found the Lord saying to Joshua, "Fear them not, I have delivered them into thy hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee." Joshua was concerned because he was surrounded by the enemy and if darkness fell they would overpower them (check references below). So Joshua asked the Lord to make the sun stand still!

That's right - "The sun stood still and the moon stayed-and hasted not to go down about a whole day!" They checked the computers going back into the time it was written and found it was close but not close enough.  The elapsed time that was missing back in Joshua's day was 23 hours and 20 minutes-not a whole day. They read the Bible and there it was "about (approximately) a day".

These little words in the Bible are important, but they were still in trouble, because if you cannot account for 40 minutes you'll soon be in trouble, 1,000 years from now. Forty minutes had to be found because it can be multiplied many times over in orbits. As the Christian employee thought about it, he remembered somewhere in the Bible where it said the sun went BACKWARDS. The scientists told him he was out of his mind, but they got out the Book and read these words in 2 Kings:

Hezekiah, on his death-bed, was visited by the prophet Isaiah who told him that he was not going to die. Hezekiah asked for a sign as proof. Isaiah said, "Do you want the sun to go ahead 10 degrees?"  Hezekiah said, It is nothing for the sun to go ahead 10 degrees, but let the shadow return backward 10 degrees." Isaiah spoke to the Lord and the Lord brought the shadow ten degrees BACKWARD! Ten degrees is exactly 40 minutes! Twenty three hours and 20 minutes in Joshua, plus 40 minutes in Second Kings make the missing day in the universe!

Isn't it amazing?! Our God is rubbing their noses in His Truth!
References: Joshua 10:8, 12, 13 2 Kings 20:9-11

Forward this to as many people as would think this is equally as cool.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11&13  Not that God needs to be proven; for those who believe this is not necessary and for those who do not believe, nothing could sway them.
FUN - Earth Stood Still - Rebuttal 1

Harold,

I sent your e-mail about the earth standing still to my father-in-law. For fun, he sent it on to a member of his ward who is a physicist (sp?). Anyhow, the e-mail really got his goat. Thought you would get a laugh out of the response he gave.

Regards,

Bob Johns, Jr.
========================

Gordon Kearl Ashley II wrote:

Rand,

You have just pushed a hot button. This is absolute and shear nonsense.

Let me explain why. But before I do, I want to state that I have written several computer programs that predict the positions of planets and spacecraft as they move about the Sun. So I have much first-hand experience. Now here is the reason why this is nuts.

The force governing the movement of heavenly bodies is gravity. There are two theories for gravity - Einstein's and Newton's. Einstein's theory of gravity is commonly known as the General Theory of Relativity. It is a highly nonlinear theory and solutions are difficult to come by. It is the most complete theory of gravity known to man and has survived every single test to which it has been subjected. When applied to bodies on the order of several solar masses or less, and the speeds involved are much less than the speed of light, Einstein's theory becomes identical to Newton's theory of gravity. By "identical" I mean the mathematical equations that embody the theory. Newton's theory of universal gravitation says that the force between two masses is directly proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance separating them. Because the units of force and mass were derived independently, the constant of proportionality is not unity but G. (The value for G need not concern us but for completeness here it is: G = 0.00000000006668462 and has units of cubic meters divided by kilograms divided by seconds squared.)

This law of gravity is expressed in mathematical form. For two bodies, there is a closed form solution. But for more, a computer program must be used. Now the solution proceeds in this manner. First you select a coordinate system and specify the positions and velocities of the bodies being considered - all the planets. The Sun is usually considered to be at the origin of the coordinate system and is considered to be at rest. If you want to be really accurate, the shape of the Sun is considered. That is, the Sun is not a perfect sphere but an oblate spheroid - like an orange that you put on a table and squish down on from the top. This is important because the solar gravitational field is not truly spherical and tidal forces are therefore present. The Earth is not truly spherical either and there are tidal forces on the Moon, slowing it slightly. But to a very good approximation, these tidal forces can be neglected. They are of second order anyway. Once, the positions of all the bodies have been specified, all the forces exerted on one of them by all the others - including the Sun - are computed. Newton's Second Law of Motion states that force is equal to product of the mass and the acceleration. As the body mass is known, the computed force can be transformed into an acceleration via simple division. Acceleration is just the time rate of change of the velocity - that is, the change in velocity per unit time. So if we were to multiply the computed acceleration on the planet mass by a small time increment - say one minute - then we would end up with a change in the planet velocity. Now, velocity is just the time rate of change of position - the change in position per unit time. So, once we know the planet velocity, we can multiply that velocity by a small increment of time to get a change to the planet's position. This is repeated for every single planet body under consideration. When complete, new forces on all the planets need to be computed because the positions have changed - not much but they have changed. Now, we repeat this whole process over and over for as long as we want. We can calculate forward into the future or backward into the past.
FUN - Earth Stood Still - Rebuttal 2

Actually, the computational process I have just outlined is a little too simple. It assumes that the force - and thus the acceleration - is constant for this small time increment. Actually it is not. It changes - but only very slightly. And there are mathematical methods to account for that such that the errors do not get out of hand. The same is true for the velocities. So off we go calculating to our hearts content - forward into the future or backward into the past.

All this seems like a lot of work and it is. But this is just the sort of thing that computers like to do. Back in the old days before microcomputers (BC - before computer, personal computer  oops I wax very un PC) mainframe computers were slow and these computations took a long time. The results of such calculations were printed in places like the "The Astronomical Almanac" by the USNO. With the advent of high-speed microcomputers, you can buy software to perform these calculations. Several software packages are available. Redshift and The Sky come to mind. I have both packages. A full-up installation of The Sky costs less than $300 and does much more than calculate planetary positions. And this software is very accurate for several thousand years into the future or into the past - earlier than when the Sun stoodstill.

Now these programs will not halt the computer. They will just continue to calculate. The results may be wrong but the computer does not care. It just goes on and on calculating and calculating - fulfilling its purpose in life. I guarantee the computer will not suddenly say, "Blast! These results are wrong. So I will stop." Computers do not do that. They are just sophisticated idiots. The only way the computer would stop is if there was an instruction in the computer code ordering it to. Such an instruction would make sense only if the calculated positions of the planets were in error. Well, how would anyone know. They could only know by comparison with known positions of the planets. Now the ancients kept very good records. So comparisons can be made. That is the basis for the stated accuracy of these astronomical calculations. That is, these programs agree with the recorded positions of the ancients extremely well - without making any adjustment for the "missing" day. I feel compelled to say that again. All the computer software packages - governmental or commercial - with which I am familiar (quite a few) are able to calculate into the past without the need for any ad hoc adjustments in planetary positions.

So the scenario is false - and knowingly so. According to my dictionary, a statement that is known to be false but tendered as true is a lie. And it follows, therefore, it was made by a liar. According to my Doctrine and Covenants, liars CANNOT inherit the Celestial Kingdom.

Why is it that we Mormons fall for this junk each and every time. It's because we're stupid, that's why. We feel compelled to search for proofs of the truth of the gospel beyond our testimonies. A revelation from God via the Holy Ghost is not good enough for the likes of us. Nope. We need the mad ravings of some nut. I guess we can laugh and take this stuff with a grain of salt. But they are dangerous. It is the very reason that people of learning do not join the Mormon Church. People searching for the truth grab onto this stuff and cease looking for a true religious experience. Too bad.

Hope this helps some. This is not new. I heard it the first time some 30 years ago. It was wrong then and it is still wrong.

Gordon
FUN - Employee Evaluations

The following are reputed to be actual quotes from employee performance
evaluations.

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like rat in a trap.

When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This guy has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Employee is conscious and through, as opposed to conscientious and thorough.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
FUN - Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the RUNS. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
FUN - Favorite quotes from Oscar Wilde

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

I had a wild hope that I might disarm destiny.

Society has become dreadfully mixed. One sees the oddest people everywhere.

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist.

A true friend stabs you in the front.

Every woman is a rebel.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?

Brutal violence I can bear, but brutal reasoning is intolerable.

Life is too important a thing to ever talk about seriously.

An army composed entirely of lovers, though small, could conquer all.

Women are meant to be loved, not understood.

In this world, there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Whenever people agree with me I feel I must be wrong.

Consistency is the last refuge for the unimaginative.

I love the simple pleasures, they are the last refuge in the world of the complex.
FUN - FBI Smear Campaign

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC

DNA Test Results:   Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive.  Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Sorry,
The FBI
FUN - Forrest Gump Dies

The day finally arrives:  Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.  He is met >at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.  The gates are closed, however, >and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you.  We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this.  Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test,,,,,,

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions.  Here is the first:  What days of the week begin with the letter T?  Second:  How many seconds are there in a year? Third:  What is God's first name?".

Forrest goes away to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the >questions over, tell me your answers".

Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"?  Shucks, that one's easy.  That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest!  That's not what I was >thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer".  "How about the next one?" says St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"  "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve".

Astounded St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve!  Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve, January second, February second,  March second. . . "

"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter.  "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question.  Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest replied "Andy". . .when St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy, Forrest replied . . . in the song . . . "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
FUN - From Utah Questionare

You must be able to answer yes to 10 or more of the following questions to qualify for permanent residency in the state of Utah.  Failure to do so qualifies you as a temporary resident only.

1. Do you have a bumper sticker that says Families are forever?
2. Was the mother of the bride pregnant at your wedding?
3. Did a member of your family write in LaVelle Edwards for president in the last  election?
4. When you shop on Sunday, do you postdate the check?
5. Does your father-in-law think Ronald Reagan was a liberal?
6. Does your mother have purple or amber plastic grapes in the attic?
7. Were you an uncle or aunt before the age of three?
8. Do you wonder why the truck driver honks at you when you are driving 35 mph on the freeway in the left lane?
9. Do you have 2 gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times?
10. Do you consider peanut butter on the seat of your car an accessory?
11. When you take a family to a restaurant, do you ask for extra plates?
12. Do you consider dam a swear word?
13. Does your family consider a trip to McDonalds as a night out?
14. Do you believe that you have to be 18 to order coffee in a cafe?
15. Are at least two of your salad bowls at neighbor's houses?
16. Do you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer?
17. Do you consider your temple recommend a credit reference?
18. When your ward basketball team plays, is it similar to the Los Angeles riots?
19. Was your first child conceived on your honeymoon?
20. Do you have an uncontrollable urge to arrive at meetings 5 minutes late?
21. Did you meet your spouse at BYU?
22. Can you make fruit salad without a recipe?
23. Do you bring home your Coke from the store in a brown paper bag?
24. Do your children believe that deer hunting is a national holiday?
25. Do you negotiate prices at a garage sale?
26. Do you feel guilty when you watch Monday night football?
27. Do you think red punch and green Jell-O are the main ingredients for a successful party menu?
28. Do your kids think Jell-O is a major food group?
29. When you pick someone up at the airport, do you bring at least 1/3 of your relatives and have a family reunion at the gate?
30. Do you think gambling is a sin unless you are on vacation?
31. Do you have a quiet book as part of your library?
32. Are you embarrassed if any of your children are more than 2 years apart in age?
33. Do you say gol, heck, or fetch, more than once a day?
34. Did any of your pioneer ancestors have a 14-year-old child and a 14-year-old wife at the same time?
35. Do you travel on Morris Air Service at least once a year?
36. Do you think ignernt means rude?
37. Have you invested in at least one Get Rich Quick plan in the past year?
38. Does it take more than one car to get all your kids over to Grandma's house?
39. Do you have any relatives named LaDell, LaVelle, LaDawn, or LaVerle?
40. Does your 2 year supply of food consist of plenty of candy?
41. Do you keep a supply of butcher paper to make large "Welcome Home Banners?"
42. Do you keep a supply of Valium or Prozac on hand?
43. Do you refuse coffee but accept all offers of Excedrin?
44. Do you think it is more prestigious to go to BYU than Harvard?
45. Do you have relatives in California doing everything they can to move back.
FUN - Fun Thoughts

FUN THOUGHTS
- Submitted by J Smith
------------------------------------
1.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3.  I doubt, therefore I might be.

4.  To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
it.

5.  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6.  The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7.  Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

8.  Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to
fish,
and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
FUN - Great Truths

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED


No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

==================
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED


Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down.
FUN - HAIKU Error Messages

IMAGINE IF INSTEAD OF CRYPTIC, GEEKY TEXT STRINGS, YOUR COMPUTER PRODUCED ERROR MESSAGES IN HAIKU...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
*My Novel* not found.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: *File not found.*

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
FUN - Having a bad day?

Article 1:
The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen.  The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and  somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear.  The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.  The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.  Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.  After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.  The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.  He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.  After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still  seated.  The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband  laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.  The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.  The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Now THAT is a bad day...and the poor guy didn't even leave his home!

===================
Article 2:

Something to think about the next time you're having a bad day (this was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998):

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. 

The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries.   Dental records provided a positive identification.

Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest.  The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.  The  buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it.  One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next the was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air.  Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.  Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

HAVING A BAD DAY?  THINK AGAIN.
FUN - Hazards of Localization

Please don't try localization without professional assistance:

Nominees for the Chevy Nova Award

This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Latin America. "No Va"  in Spanish, means "It doesn't go."

1.  The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico.  It was soon brought to their attention that the Spanish translation read  "Are you lactating?"

2.  Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose", into Spanish, where it was read  as "Suffer From Diarrhea."  

3.  Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4.  Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5.  When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.  Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6.  Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

7.  An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit.  Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

8.  Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9.  The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10.  Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11.  When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."  The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

12.  When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
FUN - Heber and the Pope

Many years ago, the Pope decided that all the Mormons had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Mormon community. So, the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Mormon community. If the Mormon won, the Mormons could stay. If the Pope won, the Mormons would leave. Realizing they had no choice, the Mormons picked a young missionary from Idaho named Heber to represent them.
 
Not able to speak Italian very well, Heber asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side could talk. The Pope agreed.
 
The day of the great debate came. Heber and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Heber looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Heber pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Heber pulled out an apple.
 
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up! This man is too good. The Mormons can stay."
 
Afterwards, the Cardinals, gathered around the Pope, asked him to explain what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions., Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
 
Meanwhile the Mormon community and all the missionaries had crowded around Heber. "What happened?" they asked.
 
"Well," said Heber, "first he said to me that the Mormons had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. He told me that his whole city would be cleared of Mormons. I let him know we were staying right here."
 
"And then?" asked a woman.
 
"I don't know," said Heber, "he took out his lunch and I took out mine."
FUN - Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.  
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
FUN - How Hot is Hell?

HOW  HOT  IS  IT  IN  HELL?   A true story:

A thermodynamics professor prepared a written take-home exam for his graduate students.  It had one question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  Support your answer with a proof.

Most of his students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So we need to know both the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we must examine the rate of change of the volume of Hell. Because Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
as souls are added.  This provides two possibilities:

     1.  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

     2.  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, that it will be a cold night in Hell before I date you, and take into account the fact I still have not succeeded in having dated her, then number 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is Exothermic.

The student got the only  A.
FUN - Humorous Bumper Stickers (1)

"Driver carries no cash.  He's married"

"Do not wash.  This car is conducting a scientifict dirt test."

"If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts."

"Forget about World Peace... Visualize using your turn signal."

"All generalizations are false."

"Horn broken. Watch for finger."

"Caution:  I drive like you do"

"Keep honking...I'm reloading."

"How's My Driving?
www.byte.me.com"

"Bill Clinton, The Lying King."

"If a man is by himself in a forest, and he speaks, is he still wrong?"

"Bad cop, no donut."

"Huked on foniks wurked for me."

"We are the people our parents warned us about."
FUN - Humorous Bumper Stickers (2)

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"Time is what keeps everything from happing at once."

"I love cats . . . they taste just like chicken."

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."

"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"REHAB is for quitters."

"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

"E. Coli Happens."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician."

"If jerks could fly, this place would be an airport."

"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. . . ."

"Tow-ers will be violated."

"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."

"Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!"

"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

"Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can lose weight!"

"No Radio - Already Stolen."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Assassins do it from behind!"

"Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!"

"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

"LAWYER: Cat settles a dispute between 2 mice"

"LAWYER: A person whose job is to protect their client from other members of their profession."

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."

"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what other have."

"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering . . ."

Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms."
FUN - Humorous Bumper Stickers (3)

"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking."

"Save water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter."

"Forget about world peace. . . . .Visualize using your turn signal!"

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"I souport publik edekasion."

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . . ."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' . . . till you can find a rock."

"2 + 2 = 3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

"I is a college student."

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"Eschew obfuscation."

"God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
FUN - Humorous Observations

Some of these are funny...


Would the Standing Committee please sit down?

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

If only women came with pulldown menus and on-line help.

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...

It said 'Insert disk #3,' but only two will fit.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Which is the nonsmoking lifeboat?

 |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician.

Contents may have settled out of court.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?

Improve mail delivery ... mail the posties their pay!!

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

I am the root of some evil ... send some money.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

He who laughs last is S-L-O-W..

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.

Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.

Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.

After four decimal places, nobody cares.

Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.

Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.

A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

Support the right to arm bears.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.

Don't let school interfere with your education.

Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In All States.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Make a speech interesting, say: I stand here before you to look behind you to tell you of something I know nothing about.

FUN - If They Married....

For the full impact, say each of the final names aloud.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! it's the '90s!), he'd be Cat
Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he
uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (Saturday Night Live writer, creator of "Deep Thoughts") married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

And, finally, if Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.FUN - Imprinted on Stone

Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,        
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.        
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has many
qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona
in the cowboy days of the 1880's.  He's buried in the Boot Hill
Cemetery inTombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:   "I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody
believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that
sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away     Owin' more     Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 - Age 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood        Within another.
The outer wood        Is very good:
We cannot praise     The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
Consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the
way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

=================
Weldon Whipple (weldon@whipple.org)
http://www.whipple.org
http://whipple.dyn.ml.org (Online 7:30a-10:30p MDT)
FUN - In Honor of Tax Day

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 & found that he owed $3407.  He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
 
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers value $1029).  This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
 I. Gettook Everyear
FUN - Induhvidual Tales

Those Induhviduals continue to inspire us with their tales of Induviduality.  Here are the latest reports from the field.

Tale 1: "I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported that the Police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder in our area.  The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that the District Attorney's office was going for the death penalty because they had proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death."

Tale 2: This sign was spotted in a fabric warehouse in  South England: "Ceiling Fans in Operation.  Please be careful when lifting small children."  Editor: Maybe it's just me, but that sign seems vague.  For example, the guidelines are completely silent on the handling of larger children and pets.  And I am left wondering if it's okay to fling small children into the ceiling fan with a catapult as long as you don't do any lifting."

Tale 3: I was standing in a lobby gazing out the glass door.  A woman came up behind me and began to talk to me as if she knew me.  I turned around, she stopped, startled, and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."  I said, "I am."

Tale 4: I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after trying it out (according to their policy).  The salesperson asked me why I was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it didn'te work properly.  She responded, "Did you open it?"

Tale 5: One day my (now ex) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I worked at to tell them  that I had left my pager at home that day.  She was not sure where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would track me down to tell me to go home to get my pager.  The Help Desk paged me with the Help Desk extension displayed.  She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in her hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my person.  They paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that my 
wife had my pager.

Tale 6: I am a reference librarian.  I had an Induvidual come up to me yesterday wanting help finding the Internet sites for her class project.  She found the perfect site the day before, but being an Induvidual, did not bookmark it or write down the URL.  so, the question I got was, "I need to find that web page with the yellow background that I found on 
this computer yesterday."

Tale 7: I recently had trouble with my cellular service.  I called the Support Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response.  The tech asked the make and model of my phone.  I informed the tech that I could see no model number on the phone.  He said, "Take the battery off and look inside.  The model number is printed there."  I said if I take the battery out, I'll lose the connection.  He said, "That's okay, I'll hold."

Tale 8: A customer called me the other day to complain that the contract delivery people had scratched her countertop, and that the delivery company would not accept the damage claim because the customer's maid signed a form stating the damage was pre-existing.  The customer told me her maid Maria neither read nor wrote English and would not have realized what it was she was signing.  When I called the delivery company to press home this point, they replied, "The maid must have known what she was signing because she signed her name in English."  At that point I was at a loss for words.

Tale 9: There's this Induvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a blank-screen screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes without activity.  Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to find his monitor "not working."  So he gave it the good old fashioned whack on the side.  Lo and behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse and his monitor "worked"!!  Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the "loose connection" in his monitor with a whack.
FUN - Interesting Quotes

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
FUN - Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan had an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge.  They sat down to their computers and began, working furiously for several hours, with lines of code streaming up on their monitors.
 
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity.  Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over.  He asked Satan to show what he had come up with.  Satan was visibly angry, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, with the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished.  He stuttered, "But how?!  I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!  How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves!"
FUN - Job at a Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.  As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.  They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey!  He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him.  He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.  This isnt so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!  As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.  He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
FUN - Kids say the darndest things...
          
"Kids say the darndest things..."

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers.  Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

- (Define H2O and CO2.)  H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

 - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
  up the other.

- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

Submitted by somebody (name lost in the shuffle...sorry).

-=+=-

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?  They still are!
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A cheerful heart is good medicine... Prov 17:22a (NIV)
FUN - Lawyers Jokes

A guy phones his law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep
telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

=======================

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same.

Let me give you an example.
The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

FUN - Lifes Lessons

1) Money doesnt bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

2) Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

3) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

4) Misers arent much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

5) Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

6) The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

7) When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet youre in a public restroom.

8) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

9) The real reason you cant take it with you is that it goes before you do.

10) Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

11) Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

12) A closed mouth gathers no feet.

13) A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

14) A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

15) The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

16) Money isnt everything.... theres credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

17) Some people are like blisters. They dont show up until the work is done.

18) A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbors.

19) A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

20) If you dont know where youre going, youre never lost.

21) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

- Steve JacksonFUN - LOGICAL WRITING 101

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner SpecialTurkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

For sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted:  Hair cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Wanted.  Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
FUN - Mary Poppins

Mary Poppins was traveling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
"Certainly madam" he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.  Would you care to select something from the menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.  "Hmmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam" he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.  The receptionist
nodded and smiled.  "In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please, poached," Mary mused.  After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam.  Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better.  Shame about the eggs though.  They really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh, well perhaps you would care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will.  Thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Here it is...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"
FUN - Musings from Andy Rooney

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?  Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them.  I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when  I mail it in.  Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?  Thank you."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory.  You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now?  They have awards for commercials.  The Cleo Awards.  A whole show full of commercials.  I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?  Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know".  It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I  feel very strongly about this.  Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud)  Sometimes you have to stand up for what you 
believe you're not sure about."  This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on  someone's answering machine?  "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out  enjoying it right now.  I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'  "Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD  clinic calling...Speaking of  being positive, your test is back.  Stop sharing the love."
FUN - Neil Armstrong

Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil Armstrong...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made this remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the  years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.  This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.  His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Sex!  You want sex?!  You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

:o)
FUN - Nerd Control

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer.  As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"  He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.  The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.  The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.  As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.  The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.  The truck driver asks him why he did that.  The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.  You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.  Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.  The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.  He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.  They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.  He can't let them steal his whole load.  So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.  A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong?  I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
FUN - New Dog Breeds

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
	Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
	Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
	Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
	Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
	Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
	Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
	Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
	Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
	Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
	Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
	Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
	Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
	Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
            Oh, never mind....
FUN - New Element Discovered!

The heaviest element known to science, was recently discovered by physicists at the Yale's Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicate that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
FUN - Next time they call 1

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
     
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? 
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
     
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
     
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please? 
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. 
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. 
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling.
     
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent.
     
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
     
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
     
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! 
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it ads up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. 
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know.  Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! 
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? 
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! 
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on.
     
So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food:
     
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.
     
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. FUN - Next time they call 2

It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
     
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
     
I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation.  Suddenly, there was an irritated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
     
AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: (click)
FUN - Old Groaners

1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

8. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's giving me terrible anxiety. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

9. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
FUN - One Liners #1

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Have you ever noticed...Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother stated walking five miles a day  when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair under  my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
- Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
- Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The girl at the counter said,  "Would you like some fries with that?"
- Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Roger Simon

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobel

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if  there is a man on base.
- Dave Barry

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.

Suppose you were an idiot..And suppose you were a member of Congress..But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
- A. Whitney Brown

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches
- Jim Carey

My mom said she learned how to swim. Somebody took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
- Paula Poundstone

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
- Rita Rudner

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
- Lilly Tomlin

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.  That may be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals: we aren't afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
- Jerry Seinfeld
FUN - One Liners #2

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? 
    Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? 
    National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call cheese that isnt yours? 
    Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? 
    Quatro sinko. 

What do you get from a pampered cow? 
    Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? 
    A pachydermatologist

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? 
    Sanka. 

and what kind of lettuce?
    Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 
    A nervous wreck.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 
    Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog? 
    Right where you left him. 

Where do you get virgin wool from? 
    Ugly sheep.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
    Theyre trying to get away from the noise. 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers.
FUN - Oxymorons

OXYMORONS:
Acure dullness
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline Food
Almost exactly
Almost perfect
Alone together
Bad health
Bittersweet
Blameless culprit
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt Head
Cardinal sin
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Conservative liberal
Constant variable
Definite maybe
Deliberately thoughtless
Diet ice cream
Divorce court
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct Life
Fish farm
Found missing
Freezer burn
Friendly takeover
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Holy war
Home office
Idiot savant
Instant classic
Intense apathy
Jumbo shrimp
Justifiably paranoid
Larger half
Least favorable
Legally drunk
Linear curve
Liquid gas
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Mild interest
Military Intelligence
Minor miracle
Modern history
New York culture
New classic
Nonalcoholic beer
Nondairy creamer
Normal deviation
"Now, then ..."
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
original copies
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Player coach
Political science
Pretty ugly
Qualified success
Rap music
Randomly organized
Real potential
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Simply superb
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Tragic comedy
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
Unsung hero
Vaguely aware
War games
Working vacation
FUN - Pilot Vision

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.  The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.  I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.  I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"  Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!  The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
FUN - Political Correctness For Teenagers

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot.. You're just "abundantly verbal."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."


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===============
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FUN - Rain or Snow?

A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain", he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.  But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
FUN - Remember When ...

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
FUN - Rules of Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical words however  should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking  ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

From: Greg Hanson <gregh@imall.com>
FUN - Satan's Sister

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a tiny town got up early  and went to the local church.  Before the service started, the townspeople  were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.  

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. This confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey! Don't you know who I am?"  The man replied, "Yep, sure do."  Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"  "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 50  years."
FUN - Say What?

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

Those who judge others will burn in Hell!

Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness (or, It's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous).

There's no such thing as nonexistence.

Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

I disagree with unanimity.

I have my doubts about disbelief.

Avoid Alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

One should never generalize.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

I always try to do things in chronological order.

A Plateau is the highest form of flattery.

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Death to all fanatics!

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you (or, ...then you didn't do it right!)

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.

Don't chew with your mouth full.

It's Deja Vu all over again.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

Rehab is for quitters!

To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.

If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

Some people type so fast that forget to include

When all is said and done, much more is said than done

My identity lies in not knowing who I am

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid

Free advice is worth what you paid for it

Entropy just isn't what it used to be

I can't define irony; but, I know it when I see it

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it

Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't

"No, officer. I do not wish to give up my right to remain silent!!??"

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
FUN - Sheer Delight

An old man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."  His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.  "Dang it, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
FUN - Star Wars vs. Titanic

Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic


Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. 

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential. 

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. 

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; 

Rose is just marriage bait. 

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. 

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. 

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. 

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? 

People have not lost their lives trying to recreate scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner. 

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.

Two words: John Williams. 

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. 

"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." 

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. 

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"? 

Han Solo would've missed the dang iceberg!
FUN - Stupid Criminals 1

A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

======

2 more from San Francisco:
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.
The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

======

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

======

Pontiac:
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.? Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court.? He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

======

Oklahoma City:
Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

======

Detroit:
R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

======

Colorado Springs:
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused saying, "I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.? The FUN - Stupid Criminals 2

robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

======

Another from Detroit:
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

FUN - Tech Support Calls 1

Customer: "I'd like to return this scanner."
Store Clerk: "Excuse me?"
Customer: "This scanner I bought. I paid eighty dollars for this scanner, and it doesn't work!"
Store Clerk: "Uh . . . sir, that's a trackball."
Customer: "No, it isn't. It says 600 dpi tracking resolution right here!"

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?"

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the  screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!

Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No Carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."  (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police,"  so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it'?"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.  She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.
"What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't FUN - Tech Support Calls 2

mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
FUN - The "True" LDS Articles of Faith

1. We believe that elders should move pianos, washers, dryers, full freezers and several 50 pound bags of storage wheat through narrow hallways, tight door jams and up at least one flight of stairs.

2. We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for the needy. We do not believe that the priesthood cooks for anyone, except missionaries, and then it's limited to ordering pizza.

3. We believe in tuna casserole with stale cracker or old potato chip topping, served in a Tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape on the bottom that reads Jones, Smith or Brown and as a side dish we believe that green Jell-O with shaved carrot topping should be served at all church functions including funerals.

4. We believe that women should stop having children at 35, because 36 is too many.

5. We believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. But it is okay to watch professional sports as long as the athlete is a descendant of Brigham Young, a convert to the church or owns a professional team in Utah.

6. We believe that drinking caffeineated drinks is not a violation of the Word of Wisdom, as long as they are cold.

7. We believe that ward phone lists are good multi-level marketing tools.

8. We believe that Sunday drives are okay as long as you don't exceed the posted speed limit and as long as it's not on a speed boat or dirt bike.

9. We believe in enduring to the end of the stake high councilor's talk and in nursery callings.

10. We believe that sleeping on the floor during General Conference is okay; after all, we can read every talk in the conference issue of the Ensign.

11. We believe that ex-Mormons who write anti-Mormon literature are going to hell.

12. We believe that sleeping during sacrament meeting is the highest form of meditation.

13. We believe in kicking our sons out of the house at 19 years old, sending them to a foreign country like Chile, Japan, New Jersey or Utah(!) for two years, and telling them that they will return men because of it.  At the same time, we send them dozens of stale cookies and waste postage by mailing one shoe at a time.  We also believe in sending young women away for 18 months when they turn 21, as long as they are not engaged to be married.
FUN - The Genie (Watch what you wish for)

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.

The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."

"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."

"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of  the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.

"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later."

"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80.  The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
FUN - The Vet and the dead dog

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
 
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body, and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the labrador thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
FUN - The world's shortest books in reverse order

25. My plan to find the real killers - by O J Simpson
24. The engineer's guide to fashion
23. To all the men I've loved before - by Ellen Degeneres
22. The difference between reality and Dilbert
21. Human rights advances in China
20. Things I would not do for money- by Dennis Rodman
19. The wild years - by Al Gore
18. Amelia Earhart's guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's most popular lawyers
16. Career opportunities for liberal arts majors
15. Detroit - a travel guide
14. Different ways to spell Bob
13. Dr. Kevorkian's collection of motivational speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian tips on world dominance
10. Everything men know about women
9. Everything women know about men
8. French hospitality
7. George Foreman's big book of baby names
6. How to sustain a musical career - by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's guide to dating etiquette
4. Spotted owl recipes - by the EPA
3. Staple your way to success
2. The Amish phone directory

and the number one world's shortest book:......
1. The book of virtues by Bill Clinton

----------------

Here is a list of actual English subtitles used in some made in Hong Kong films:

1.  I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2.  Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3.  Gun wounds again?
4.  Same old rules:  no eyes, no groin
5.  A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
6.  Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
7.  Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
8.  Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9.  Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10.  You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11.  I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12.  You daring lousy guy.
13.  Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14.  I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
15.  Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.
16.  The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?
17.  How can you use my intestines as a gift?
FUN - This years best headlines (1998)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Brittish Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenille Court Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Paintings Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

War Dims Hopes for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Man Struck By Lighting Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritous Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
FUN - Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10.  God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.

 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.  (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)

8.  God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

7.  God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.

 6.  God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

 5.  God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.

4.  As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3.  The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2.  As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that.
FUN - Top 10 signs your co-worker is a hacker

10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9  He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8  When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7  Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6  Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5  Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."

4  Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3  His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2  Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...

1  You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
FUN - Why am I so Tires All the Time...

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason:  I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133  million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. 
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting here reading jokes.
FUN - Would you like fries with that?

Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application
     
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
     
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
     
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.  
FUN - Y0K Problem

Message from: Rome
January 18, 1 B.C.

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left.

I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.  Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last  minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening.  He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.

We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work.  As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over.

Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.  I must end this message short because I have suffered from a terrible case of enscriber's syndrome ever since you sent us the new high-speed rewriteable tablets.

Best Regards,
Plutonius
FUN - You might be a Redneck Jedi Knight if...

1.  You ever heard the phrase, "May the Force be with ya'll".

2.  Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

3.  You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud.

4.  At least one wing of you X-Wing is primer colored.

5.  You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

6.  You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

7.  The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

8.  Wookies are offended by your B.O.

9.  You have ever used the Force to get yourself another Bud so you won't miss any of the game.

10.  You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

11.  Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the Dark Side...it'll be a hoot."

12.  You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

13.  You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

14.  You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

15.  You have the doors to your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

16.  Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

17.  You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

18.  You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

19.  You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

20.  If you ever heard "Luke, I am your father.......and your uncle."

....And may the Farce be with you.
FUN - Zion Home Teaching Service

We care when you don't have time to.  Home teaching getting you down?  Can't get that annoying Priesthood Leader off your back?  Home Teaching interfering with your TV and Golf?  We can help!  At Zion's Home Teaching Service we'll do your Home Teaching  for you.  For a small monetary fee we will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.

Basic Visit. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10
Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message . . . . . . . . . . .$15
Birthday and anniversary cards in addition to the Basic Visit and SpiritualMessage . . . .$20
Is $20 too much to pay for peace of mind?  Call us at 1-800-752-2537.  That's 1-800-Slacker.  Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.

ADDED SERVICES - CHECK OUT OUR NEW SERVICES!!!!!!!
Meetings:  We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back.
Ward Council Meeting . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$30
Ward Council Meeting w/ written report . . . . .$50
Presidency Meetings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
PEC. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$25
Sacrament Meeting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
Sunday School. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
Priesthood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$20
3-hour Sunday Block (best value) . . . . . . . .$50
*Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings
Talks and Lessons:
Has a bishopric member call and assign you a talk?  Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson?  Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons.  No need to spend countless hours pouring through books, writing and praying.  We'll do it for you!
Basic Talk (any subject assigned). . . . . . . . .$20
Scripture Talk (basic  + 5 scriptures) . . . . . .$30
Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes) .$40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes - add $1 for each additional minute
Basic Lesson (40 minutes) . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$25
Deluxe (Basic + visual aides) . . . . . . . . . . . .$35
Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts). . . . . . . . . . .$45
*Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote *Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount. Introducing our Bundle Buys and frequent shopper plan.

Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount.  Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.

Here you have it!  We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel just for you.  Remember our number 1-800-S-L-A-C-K-E-R

======================================
FUN - New
======================================

FUN - "Dilbert Quotes" Contest

A magazine ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.  They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond,WA.)

2.What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be  used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)

4.This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5.Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's  time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6.My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

7.Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8.My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9."We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10.We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a
memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11.One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12.As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.  When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word
"pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)
FUN - 1999 Darwin Awards 1

The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards. These awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:

#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

#3 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

#4- In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#5 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

FUN - 1999 Darwin Awards 2

AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....

THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
FUN - A Woman's Definitions of Life

Life From a Women's Perspective:

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
FUN - Cliche' Trivia

DID YOU KNOW?

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.  It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the 50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On average, 100 people globally choke to death on ball-point pens every  year.  BE CAREFUL!
FUN - Divorced Barbie

Now, at long last 12 NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully:

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashionframes in six wild colors (half-frames too)!Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead!With hand held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie.As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook's Arms Barbie.Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.Good news on the tummy front, too:muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie.Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is reallypaying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.With mini van in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken.Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.They're hopping in her new red Miata andheading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.Comes with real tape of"Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99.Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primpinganymore!Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup.Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money.  Complete garage sale kit included.

11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

12. Post Menopausal Barbie.Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sickand tired ofKen sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.Comes with Depends and Kleenex.As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self".
FUN - Element: Woman

=====================
Element Name:  Woman
=====================

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone.

Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.

Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


=====================
Element Name: MAN
=====================

Symbol: XY

Atomic weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.

Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:  Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.  Also tends to form  strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element:  Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
FUN - Email in the 90's

Get Rid of Your Computer if...

1.)  You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your e-mail first.

2.)   You name your first two children "Eudora" and "Dotcom".

3.)   You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you'd just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4.)   You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5.)   You decide to stay in college for an additional year, just for the free Internet access.

6.)   You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modem.

7.)   You start using smileys in your snail-mail.

8.)   You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.

9.)   You can't call your mother; she doesn't have a modem.

10.)  You check your mail. It says: "no new messages"; so you check it again.

11.)  You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

12.)  You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

13.)   You tilt your head sideways to smile.

14.)   You've seen the movie "You've Got Mail" more than "Titanic."

15.)   After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to all of our friends.
FUN - Excel 97 Flight Simulator 

Believe it or not - A Flight simulator from MS Excel 97 (courtesy: Integra Microsystems, Bangalore, India) 
 
Ever wondered why Microsoft applications seem to become slower and fatter with each new release? 
 
Apparently the constant rain in Redmond has driven Bill's engineers to obsessive flights of fancy.  Below you'll find instructions on how to access a little flight simulator that was inexplicably hidden by precipitation-maddened programmers deep inside Excel 97. 
 
 (1) In Excel 97, open a new blank work sheet. 
 (2) Press F5 and type X97:L97 in the "Reference" box, then click OK. 
 (3) Now hit your tab key once (you should end up in cell M97). 
 (4) press "Ctrl" and "Shift" while clicking once on the "chart wizard" icon (the one at the top with the blue-yellow-red bar 
chart). 
 
Welcome aboard ! After a few moments you should be flying. 
 
Steer with the mouse, accel and decel with the left and right mouse buttons respectively, and look for the monoliths with the programmer credits. 
 
You can exit the screen by pressing Ctrl+Shift+Esc. 
 
Enjoy the flight.............. 
FUN - For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.	Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.	A day without sunshine is like --- night.
3.	On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.	I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.	42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.	99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.	I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.	You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.	I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.	Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.	Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.	Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.	Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.	Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.	He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.	Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.	Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
18.	The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.	I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.	I intend to live forever --- so far so good.
21.	Borrow money from a pessimist - they dont expect it back.
22.	If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.	Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.	Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.	The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.	Support bacteria - theyre the only culture some people have.
27.	When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.	If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
29.	A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.	Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
31.	For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.	Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33.	Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.	No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.	Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.	The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37.	The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.	The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.	To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.	To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.	Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42.	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.	Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.	The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.	The sooner you fall behind the more time youll have to catch up.
46.	A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.	Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.	Get a new car for your spouse --- itll be a great trade!
49.	Plan to be spontaneous.
50.	Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51.	If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52.	How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53.	Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54.	If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving isnt for you.
FUN - For Women Only

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
 
 1.   One old love she can imagine going back to and one who reminds her how far she has come.
 2.   Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place on her own, even if she never wants or needs to.
 3.   Something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
 4.   A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella she's not ashamed to be seen carrying.
 5.   A youth she's content to move beyond.
 6.   A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
 7.   The realization that she is actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
 8.   A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
 9.   One friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.
 10.  A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
 11.  Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
 12.  A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
 13.  A feeling of control over her destiny.
 14.  A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
 15.  A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.
 
 EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
 1.   How to fall in love without losing herself.
 2.   How she feels about having kids.
 3.   How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
 4.   When to try harder and when to walk away.
 5.   How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what she would and wouldn't like to happen next.
 6.   How to have a good time at a party she'd never choose to attend.
 7.   How to ask for what she wants in a way that makes it most likely she'll get it.
 8.   That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
 9.   That her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
 10.  What she would and wouldn't do for love or more.
 11.  How to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.
 12.  Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
 13.  Where to go - be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when her soul needs soothing.
 14.  What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
 15.  Why they say life begins at 30.
FUN - Fun Thoughts

It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

It's a small world.  So you gotta use your elbows a lot. 

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. 

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse. 

No one is listening until you make a mistake. 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. 

If you haven't much education you must use your brain. 

You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 

When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one. 

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. 

The trouble with work is - it's so daily. 

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. 

Scientists say one out of every four people is crazy.  Check three friends, if they are OK, you're it. 

Pain and suffering are inevitable but misery is optional.
FUN - How to Drive People Insane

"How To Keep A Healthy Level of Sanity and Drive Other People Insane"

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Insist that your e-mail address be Xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Speak only in rhymes.

In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for intimate favors'.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

dont use any punctuation or capitilazation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
FUN - If you thought you had problems....

Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
FUN - Insults & Useful Work Phrases

==================
Useful Work Phrases
==================
1.	Thank you.  Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2.	I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
3.	Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
4.	I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
5.	Ahhh ...  I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
6.	Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
7.	How about never?  Is never good for you?
8.	The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
9.	I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
10.	Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
11.	What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!
12.	I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
13.	Im not being rude.  Youre just insignificant.
14.	No, my powers can only be used for good.
15.	You sound reasonable ...  time to up my medication.
16.	My toys!  My toys!  I cant do this job without my toys!
17.	Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
18.	Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19.	I dont work here.  Im a consultant.
20.	At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
21.	Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
22.	It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

=======
Insults
=======
May a thousand pigeons mistake you for a statue in Central Park.

May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest your armpits.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

May you get the winning lottery ticket and a hole in your pocket.

May you have eyes like a hawk and a spouse with warts.

May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time you awaken.

May you live in uninteresting times.

May you make a poor man richer: your doctor.

May you make a widow and orphans happy -- your own.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant -- all over their faces.

May your mouth never close and your arse never open.

May your possessions never tempt another to steal.

Your mind is a one bit processor with parity error.

Here's a red box, go call someone who cares (Dedrick T.S.L.)

The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
- Dorothy Parker, book review

"Nice suit! Somewhere there's a Pinto without upholstery!"

"You're such a smart-ass! I bet you could sit on a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is!"

"What happened, mush-mouth? Did the quaaludes just kick in?!!"

"I saw him earlier - he was in the bathroom getting a drink of water - and the seat fell and hit him on the head."

"After meeting you, I've changed my opinion on birth control!"

"Nice teeth, I bet you could chew corn through a fence with those!"

===================
(Sources: 
"izzy.com/~patri/quotes/insult.html" and "www.insults.com/book.htm")
FUN - Kids Quotes

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. How did you know? his mother asked. Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied. I think its printed on the bottom.

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet. He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, Dont kid me, Mom. I KNOW theyre my feet.

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.  A little voice from the back of the room asked, How will that help?

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. What are you doing?  his mother asked. The box says you cant eat them if the seal is  broken, the boy explained.  Im looking for the seal.

Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.  His son asked, What happened to the flea?

A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lords Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN.
FUN - Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT:  How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with old siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman Pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in our house
FUN - New Words to an old Dylan Song

How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks.

How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the three stooges enough

The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend

How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house

How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch

The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin

Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Builder's Square again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain

How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them

The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin.
FUN - OTHER uses for Bounce laundry sheets 

Repel mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
 
 Eliminate static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
 
 Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a used sheet of Bounce.
 
 Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang one in the closet.
 
 Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce to eliminate the static cling on the thread before sewing.
 
 Eliminate static cling from pantyhose. Rub a damp, used sheet of Bounce over the hose.
 
 Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
 
 Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
 
 Clean baked-on food from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in the pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The antistatic agents  apparently weaken the bond between the food and the pan while the  fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
 
 Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
 
 Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
 
 Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
 
 Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sandpapering.  A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
 
 Eliminate odors in dirty laundry.  Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or your hamper.
 
 Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they'll smell great in the morning.
FUN - Pregnancy Humor

Actual questions and answers reported by OBGYN clinics:

BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
       Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Are birth control pills deductible?
      Only if they don't work.

What is a chastity belt?
      A labor-saving device.

Should I have a baby after 35?
      No, 35 children is enough.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
      Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

My husband and I are very attractive.  I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials.  Whom should I contact about this?
      Your therapist.


DURING THE PREGNANCY:

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
      If it's the flu, you'll get better.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
      Childbirth.

I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my baby move?
      With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown.  Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
      Yes, your bladder.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
      Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.  Is she right?
      Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
      Right after you find out you're pregnant.

What are forceps?
      Giant baby tweezers.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
      Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.


AFTER THE PREGNANCY:

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
      Well for starters, when it's a girl.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
      In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
      Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
      It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
      Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.  It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What are the terrible twos?
      Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
      When you see teeth marks.

What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
      They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
      Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

What is colic?
      A reminder for parents to use birth control.

What are night terrors?
     Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Our baby was born last week.  When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
     When your youngest child is in college.
FUN - Slogans That Never Quite Caught On 

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err." 

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" 

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." 

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." 

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid." 

Iguana: "The other green meat." 

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!" 

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years." 

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!" 

Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!" 

Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!" 

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!" 

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"
FUN - The Best Repayment

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. 

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! 

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! 

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

Source: http://www.goplay.com/980000/adv/humor/joke-120.htmlFUN - The Drunk and the Nun

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he Stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.  Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the Nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said ..........

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"! 
FUN - Top 10 Things Men Know About Women

THE TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:


10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

... And the number 1 Thing Men Know About Women:

1.

FUN - Weird Stuff 1

--A man whose name was not released checked in to a Howard Johnson's motel
in Murfreesboro, TN, on July 15 for two days and left behind 12 jars' worth
of Vaseline smeared on the carpet, furniture, curtains, walls, bedspreads,
sheets and towels, resulting in a $1,300 cleanup job. No motive was
apparent, and police have been unable to find him.

--Ukrainian Prime Minister Valery Pustovoitenko began a crackdown on tax
delinquents to collect the $3.5 billion the government is owed. The
centerpiece of the campaign is to call the top 1,500 tax scofflaws, mostly
business executives, to a military base near Kiev to live for an
undetermined time in tents, to listen to lectures on civil defense
preparedness for natural disasters until apparently out of sheer boredom
they decide to pay up.

--The notorious Japanese TV game show "Super Jockey" (which features stunts
such as contestants competing to eat repulsive-flavored ice cream) began
selling commercial time on the show recently by inviting potential sponsors
to present bikini-clad women who would endure dunkings in scalding-hot water
and then be rewarded with commercial time equivalent to the number of
seconds they endured the pain.

Freddy Krueger, D.D.S.

--The Tennessee Supreme Court reinstated patient Frances Blanchard's lawsuit
against Memphis dentist Arlene Kellum for allegedly committing battery by
attempting to pull out all 32 of her teeth in one sitting. (Blanchard, who
has a gum disease, said she thought it would be done over several visits.)
Kellum was half done when Blanchard fainted and had to be hospitalized for
six days. And a jury in Oklahoma City awarded $1.3 million to Mark Macsenti
for brain damage he suffered when dentist Jon D. Becker went to sleep during
an appointment and left Macsenti hooked up to nitrous oxide for about 10
hours.

Addressing The Babe Shortage

--Canada's Human Resources Development office announced it was creating a
special legal category for strippers entering the country to address what a
leading immigration lawyer called "a shortage of exotic dancers." And
according to a Times of London report, a glut of British fashion models was
crowding out British computer tech people in the fight for valuable work
permits in California this summer, to the chagrin of Apple, Texas
Instruments and other firms, since the law that authorizes work permits
explicitly puts models on even footing with anyone who has a college degree.

Government In Action

--Frances Employment and Solidarity Ministry reported that already it had
logged "several thousand" violations against companies for working too hard.
(The legal maximum is now 39 hours a week and drops to 35 in the year 2000).
Among the Ministrys recent busts were a crucial early-evening
labor-management bargaining session at the communications firm Alcatel and
one at the defense contractor Thomson-CSF, after which the company agreed to
lock its buildings at 7pm.

--Puerto Rican legislator Augusto Sanches Fuentes proposed that the
government sponsor "fairs" to which mothers could bring their newborns and
put them on sale (for instant adoption) to people from the mainland. He said
such fairs would at once reduce abortions, improve tourism, streamline the
adoption process and ease poverty in Puerto Rico as mothers begin to look on
the fairs as a way to make procreation profitable.

--Purdy, MO, banker Glen Garrett, 66, said he has spent about $1 million in
legal fees in six years to fight federal regulators who fined him $25,000
for doing business as his father had taught him, by handshake, rather than
required paperwork. In one paperless deal, Garrett hired himself to
construct a bank building, but that upset the Federal Deposit Insurance
Corp. because there were no competitive bids, even though an independent
appraiser later said Garrett charged about $300,000 less than market price.

--As international sanctions sank in for Pakistanis as a result of FUN - Weird Stuff 2

the
nuclear face-off with India last summer, Pakistans prime minister Nawaz Sha
rif said it is the patriotic duty of his countrymen to "eat grass" so that
money continues to be available for defense spending. (The Washington Post
reported the Sharif paid $58 in income tax in the last year, for which
figures are available, despite the fact that his familys business, the
Ittefaq Group, is the countrys fourth largest industrial company, worth
$217 million).

--Ontario Health Minister Elizabeth Witmer ordered a stop to her offices
requiring photographs of the breasts of women who want reduction surgery
(though apparently it was only a staff preference to demand the photos, not
a department policy). She pointed out that photos of breasts are irrelevant
in determining medical necessity and that few other surgeries require
evidence beyond the physicians certification. (In 1992, a similar problem
arose at the Alabama Medicaid office in Birmingham).

The Career-Ending Bounced Check

--Georgia state Sen. Ralph David Abernathy III, son of the late civil rights
leader, announced his retirement from politics in July after his $400
re-election filing fee check bounced. His legislative career included an
incident of following a female into a state Capitol ladies' room and of
being caught with marijuana in his underwear at the Atlanta airport. He said
he plans to enter the seminary.

More Recent Rages

--(1) Chewing Gum Rage: A 5-foot, 380-pound man who accidentally sat on
chewing gum in a Bellevue, NE, movie theater took off his sticky pants,
walked around, yelled and seethed, and punched out a glass case. (2)
Spelling Rage: Bronx, NY, school board member Dennis Coleman disrupted a
meeting by haranguing the staff and refusing to be quieted by the chancellor
when he discovered that the word "rescind" was misspelled on a resolution to
be voted on. (3) Barber Rage: Providence, RI, barber Sam Johnson, 53, upset
that a 21-month-old customer wouldn't be still, allegedly whacked the kid in
the head with his electric clipper and then sprayed alcohol to make the cut
sting.

Courtroom Follies

--Convicted killer Robert Hunt lost his appeal to the Nebraska Supreme Court
in June. In his closing argument at trial, Hunt's lawyer, in an effort to
gain the jury's sympathy for Hunt, had called him a "creepy, slimy, sexual
degenerate," and Hunt complained that the strategy obviously backfired, in
that he got a life sentence. The Supreme Court said Hunt would probably have
been convicted anyway (but took no position on whether the lawyer's
statement was accurate).

--Diane Parker accompanied her husband, Richard W. Parker, (who had been
accused of drug trafficking) to federal court in Los Angeles recently.
According to friends, Diane was so supportive that she had come prepared to
put up her investment property and her mother's townhouse to make Richard's
bail. However, the prosecutor began reciting to the judge facts about
Richard's double life that included a mistress and a safe house, and Diane's
expression changed dramatically. She removed her wedding ring with a
flourish, walked out of court, immediately drove to an Orange County office
where the mistress worked, and punched her several times before being
restrained.

http://www.urbantulsa.com/weird.asp
FUN - Which gift would you choose?

Which gift would you like?  To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive.

1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron

After you've selected, scroll down...

1. CANDY
It means that...  You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR
You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR
You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.

3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR
You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.

4. SEX
It means that...  You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sexuality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful.
OR
You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

5. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR
You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

6. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR
You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.
FUN - Windows Eggs

====================================

	NT Easter Eggs
   Desktop --> Properties --> Screen Saver --> 3D Text (Open GL) --> Settings --> Text
   1) "Volcano" - West Coast Volcanoes
   2) "Not Evil" - Names of NT Developers

	Word 97 Cookies:
1) "I'd like to see Bill Gates dead."  Look up in Thesaurus (Tools --> Language --> Thesaurus) and it responds with "I'll drink to that"

	To view images in the Netscape 4.0 cache, type "about:image-cache" in the Location field

	Move Recycle Bin off Desktop:
   1)  Run REGEDT32.EXE
   2) Register Key:
   HKEY_CLASS_ROOT\CLSID\{645f-f040-5081-101b-9f08-00aa002f954e}\Shell Folder
   3) Change "Attributes" value to "70 01 00 20"
   4) Click on "OK" and exit

	Command-Line Control:
   1) Run REGEDT32.EXE
   2) Register Key:
  HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Command Processor
   3)  Change "Completion Character" value to "9" (ASCII for Tab)

====================================
FUN - Women's and Men's English

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting and furniture and wallpaper....
Hang the picture there  = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much to you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in am minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress!  = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too = OK, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then  you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(When shopping)  I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

Deep thoughts from Obispo Ricardo
FUN - You Know It's A Bad Day When...

The sun comes up in the West. 

You jump out of bed and miss the floor. 

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 

You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 

Your pet rock snaps at you. 

The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 

Your income tax refund check bounces. 

Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. 

Your twin sister forgets your birthday 

You wake up face down on the pavement. 

You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office (and DA is waiting on the phone....)

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. 

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 

You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny...

Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!" 

Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test!

When someone accuses you of faking humor. 

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!

======================================
FUN - PG-13
======================================
FUN - 'Twas the Night Before Impeachment!!!
 
Twas the Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.

The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.

The Republicans were nestled, all smug with the Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.

And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening's nap.

When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.

When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.

With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!

More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let's forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I'm no Richard Nixon!!!"

"From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!"

And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.

No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.

A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.

His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.

The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump - a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.

And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.

He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him "The Jerk."

And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By "Wagging The Dog," up the polls he rose.

He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.

They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
"Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night."
FUN - A Woman's Random Thoughts 1

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people enrage me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen woman... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impluse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding?  That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their clothe.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
FUN - A Woman's Random Thoughts 2

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a  woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like,   "You know sometimes I just forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys.  But I've never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.  She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.  Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in  vigorous toning?"  Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing  (and then they marry him..)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,  impulse buying, and driving too fast.  Are they kidding?  That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!
FUN - Blonde Jokes

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one  said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit  them.
 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up!  It's starting to rain and the top is down."
 
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she  comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.  Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
  
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
 
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
 
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second.  The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms." 
FUN - Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream, 
One set of footprints there was seen, 
The footprints of my precious Lord, 
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared, 
And I asked the Lord, "What have we  here? 
Those prints are large and round and neat, 
But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones, 
"For miles I carried you alone. 
I challenged you to walk in faith, 
But you refused and made me wait. 
You disobeyed, you would not grow, 
The walk of faith, you would not know, 
So I got tired, I got fed up, 
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
 When one must fight, and one must climb, 
When one must rise and take a stand, 
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
FUN - Christmas Song

Walkin' Round in Womens' Underwear 

Walkin' round in women's underwear
    (to be sung to "Walkin' in a winter wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

Lacy things ... Missin',
Didn't ask ... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!
FUN - Clinton Jokes

What you say can come back to haunt you...

"Yes, the president should resign.  He has lied to the American people, time
and time again, and betrayed their trust.  He is no longer an effective leader.  Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment.  He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term; the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign."
-- Bill Clinton, 1974, commenting on Richard Nixon

(From: owner-parents@npl.com)

======================

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton.
The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one."

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?"
Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president.  So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap.. that he can't fly.

Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders:  Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
=========================
FUN - Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1:  "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor:  "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1:  "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor:  "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive
reasoning"

Neighbor 1:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

"New Neighbor:  "Let me give you and example.  I see you have a dog house out
back.  By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1:  "That is right"

New Neighbor:  "The fact that you have a dog,
Leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1:  "Right again"

New Neighbor:  "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1:  "Correct"

New Neighbor:  "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
heterosexual"

Neighbor 1:  "Yup"

New Neighbor:  "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1:  "Cool"


Later that same day


Neighbor 1:  "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2:  "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1:  "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2:  "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1:  "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2:  "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1:  "Let me give you an example.  Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2:  "No"

Neighbor 1: "Fag."
FUN - Dog Property Laws

DOG PROPERTY LAWS: 
1. If I like it, its mine. 
2. If its in my mouth, it mine. 
3. If I can take it from you, its mine. 
4. If I had it a little while ago, its mine. 
5. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 
6. If Im chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 
7. If it just looks like mine, its mine. 
8. If I saw it first, its mine. 
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 
10. If its broken, its yours. 

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 
Both mark their territory. 
Neither tells you whats bothering them. 
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 
Both have an inordinate fascination with womens crotches. 
Both take up too much space on the bed. 
Both fart shamelessly. 
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 
Both like dominance games. 
Both are suspicious of the postman. 
Neither understands what you see in cats. 
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 
Dogs do miss you when youre gone. 
Dogs feel guilty when theyve done something wrong. 
Dogs admit when theyre jealous. 
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog. 
Dogs are easy to buy for. 
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but theres a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what no means. 
Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 
10. A dogs parents will never visit you. 
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentines Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop. 

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG: 
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually youll get what you want. 
2. Dont go out without ID. 
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective. 
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as youre dragged out from under the bed).
8. If its not wet and sloppy, its not a real kiss
FUN - Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.  The first man was an Engineer, the second  was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.  To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.  "T-Square do your stuff".  T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a 
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
     
But the Accountant said his dog could do better.  He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff".  Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.  He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.  Everyone agreed that was good.
     
The Chemist said that his dog could top that.  He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff".  Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and  poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.  Everyone agreed that was good.
     
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"  The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff".  Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, mated the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave.  Everyone 
agreed that was awesome.
FUN - Flatulence Fate

There was an old married couple that had lived happily
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in
their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise
would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause
her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it.
She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that
it was just a natural bodily function and then he would
laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with
her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if
he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each
day, she told him this same thing.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his
guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the
wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed
pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought
occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the
turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled
back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the
turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up
and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish
preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a
blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not
control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled
on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him
she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his
eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked
him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did
tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these
days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and
these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!!"
FUN - Funny Useless Information

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks  otherwise it will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.  The frog throws up its stomach first, so the  stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
FUN - Men vs. Women 1

Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it
as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at
3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted to let
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely
prove effective.

Sex
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place
as part of the foreplay.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work
out.

Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men
will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to
imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles
and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It
is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has at most seven items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and
something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats
Women love cats.
FUN - Men vs. Women 2

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in
"Public Enemy."

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that,
and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a
snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and
one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask
for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know
I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
out at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This
is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and
cry on election night.

Locker FUN - Men vs. Women 3

Rooms
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms,
either. They're graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and
expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

Gym Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys:
miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to
operate.

Plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.
FUN - Mildred's Wound

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to  inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a  gunshot wound to her left knee.
FUN - Points that women (wives) should understand:

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one ofthe ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
FUN - The Little Fire Engine

A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador
Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates,
and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly.

A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to
him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck." 
The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren."
FUN - Two Old Folks Jokes

"Gray Hair"

A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign  up for his benefits.  Upon his arrival the clerk looked for proof of  his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized  he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she  replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair  is gray you will qualify."  The senior citizen opened up his shirt  and was soon signed up for his benefits.

Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"

====================

"The 50th Anniversary"

An elderly couple decide to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon.  They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort.  After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.

The wife says "Oh Harold!  This is just like fifty years ago!  My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"

To which he replies "Well, they ought to, Gladys...  One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
FUN - Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate


1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "<@#$%>, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh <@#$%>! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccini alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "<@#$%>, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".



Submitted by: Fran CMT @ aol.comFUN - Worst Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of..The Worst (or Best) Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time:

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed

2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

5. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

6. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.

8. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine

9. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

10. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

11. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

12. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

13. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You

17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

22. Please Bypass this Heart

23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


